Truly, I had no idea what the past 3 days would end up meaning for me - no doubt, I still don't, but I know I won't be the same.
In Friday's blog, I confessed my Facebook habit. I wasn't really ready to make a change, but inside my gut, the place where the truest emotions dwell, I knew I should - I must. I knew it I could free up time for me, my business, my family. I knew it could lead to more meaningful face-to-face interaction. I didn't know it would make me sick!!
Saturday, I attended a business workshop geared to help grow me in my business and as a leader. I listened intently as one after another shared their thoughts on the subject at hand. I listened as each shared their personal stories in growing their own business - how they got there, why they believe they've been successful, their gratitude.
And then it happened. One highly successful woman started talking about time. About best choices. About doing whatever it takes. And then just like that, without any real warning (and yet I fully knew in my gut she'd say it) she said, "I had to give up Facebook." I thought - good for her, not for me.
But in my gut I knew I would. I knew I must. At least for a time. Still couldn't admit it. It had started brewing in me sometime ago. This was not news. I was just avoiding it. But finally, it was time. I came home. I pondered. I posted. I played Bejeweled Blitz. I chatted. I reread what I'd already read. It was time. I made a farewell post and I signed out.
And then.... then I went to bed and began to dream about it. By morning I was sick. SICK! The vanity of it all! It hit me overnight - all I've been seeking is the affirmation of others. The time I've spent concocting witty phrases, wise thoughts, tip toeing around true feelings, blurting out things better left unsaid, stepping on toes, trying not to, all for me.
I am not judging you, your habits or lack thereof - I'm guessing you have some bad habits somewhere, too. I'm pointing only at myself. This is my personal courtroom. I am the one on trial. I was guilty and felt sick.
Yes, I know there is more to Facebook (and other social media). I am so very thankful for the ability to reconnect with people from my past, stay in touch with my kids, keep my mom and dad easily up to date with our lives. I love looking at your photos and learning through you. I do! But... when the house is quiet and I'm not trying to justify my choices to anyone, I know what I know. I have been caught up in a ridiculous form of vanity and pride. Wasting time, goofing off, pleasing myself, neglecting more important things, sabotaging my own goals and dreams.
If this makes you uncomfortable, I'm sorry. If you think I'm still about the same business with this blog - you're probably right. I'm weaning myself off the stuff. But I know it made me feel sick. It made me weep in church. We only get one today, and I had, time after time, frittered it away.